Why We Need Fuckbois

For years, we have identified the friend zone as the most undesirable romantic situation to be in. A place that, once caught in it, you can never leave, no matter how earnestly you try. Now, modern man has discovered an even stickier web: the situationship. For some, the only way to date. For others, the source of their relationship trauma. For all, a rite of passage.

At the crux of every situationship? The dreaded fuckboi. (boo!) The fuckboi will spell your name with roses, cook you dinner, and co-parent your dog plants, but they won’t commit. The evil fuckboi will sing of a beautiful future while feeding you confusing tales of why “now just isn’t the time.” The ethical fuckboi will be upfront, truthfully admitting that “now just isn’t the time.” (Hinge, 2024, “Looking for: short term relationship, open to long”).

Is the ethical fuckboi actually ethical though? It seems to be an oxymoron, and therefore a hot topic within all my circles. After interviewing the finest of NYC, I’ve found there to be two main schools of thought:

1. If a fuckboi is honest about not wanting commitment, then they have no blame. If the other person willingly decides they still want to engage in the situationship, they’re doing so at their own risk and we cannot fault the fuckboi.

2. The fuckboi is at fault if they do not end the situationship when it becomes too deep. Presumably, the fuckboi is less engaged in the relationship, so it would be easier for them to end it, and if they care about the other person’s feelings, they would.

My personal take? Grow the fuck (pun intended) up.

You cannot be a grown adult relying on other people to protect your feelings for you. No one knows your feelings as well as you do, and you are responsible for setting your own boundaries.  I don’t mean to say that ethical fuckbois shouldn’t feel bad for hurting the other person; I mean that no one is really at fault in a situationship, and fuckbois don’t deserve to have such a bad rep. We tend to take pity on the person who feels more hurt, which is why we often criticize the fuckboi, but a situationship is an inevitable product of a person who knows exactly what they want and refuses to settle for anything more (the fuckboi) and a person who is not sure what they want and is okay with settling for less (the other person).

I actually think shaming fuckbois harms society. If we are shaming men for dating around while living in a patriarchal society, no gender can date around without being shamed. And if we’re shaming everyone for dating around, how is anyone supposed to find love, especially when the choices have become confusingly infinite from social media and dating apps?

My last little statistical thought: There is a study from 2017 (Twenge, “Declines in sexual frequency among American adults”) that found Gen-Zers are twice as likely to be sexually inactive than previous generations. My hypothesis is that these rates will continue on their current trajectory so long as we shame people for dating around, and will contribute to the decreasing rate of unpartnered couples as well. The fact is, for better or worse, technology has changed the number of choices people have, therefore changing the way people date. You cannot simply expect someone to ignore that choice and settle, because that is just not something people do. The most you can ask is for them to be honest and communicative about it, and respect yourself by setting boundaries and sticking to them.

~Sincerely, the “other (traumatized) person” in a year-long situationship